5 Quick Fixes For A Brutal Hangover

The fogginess, that piercing headache, the unwavering nausea and the voice in the back of your head screaming, “Screw you, you stupid prick.” Sound like a typical start to your morning after a night out? If so, be sure to read on. We’ve compiled a list of 5 quick fixes for a brutal hangover.

A note to the reader: This piece aims not to drown you in an abundance of complex medical terminology, nor does it list a series of scientifically tried and tested experiments. Rather, its aim is to provide a day to day, average Joe’s guide on how to cure a hangover. While some of the methods included are in fact backed by science, what we’re more concerned with is analyzing this on the ground level. So, like any worthwhile piece of  journalism, I went full method on this one.

  1. The Classic: Three Advil and a large cup of black coffee. This is pretty standard, at least in the States. The combination of the two and a waiting period of about 30 minutes normally gets the job done. For most, the classic proves mighty effective. The Advil seems to mediate the headache enough to the point where the fog that hazes your mind begins to clear, while the coffee jolts you to consciousness. One of the best steps to take in order to beat your hangover is to get up and get things moving. If you lie down for too long, the nausea and the cloudiness only seem to fester. If you like feeling better as soon as physically possible, then get your ass up and start moving. Fighting through the initial pain will pay off in the long run, and the classic might be your best bet. Simple, yet effective.
  2. The Cosmopolitan: A three-mile run/jog and a smoothie from a bougie juice bar. Pop on your headphones, lace up the Nikes, and prepare to go all-out millennial. The line of reasoning with this method follows that the run will let you sweat out the toxins and release all the booze and bad energy still rummaging through your system. Once that’s all out, you replace it quickly with a heaping dose of vitamins and minerals from whatever fruit smoothie tickles your fancy. Get crazy if you want, throw some protein powder or some veggies in there, whatever works for you. But head my warning, this method is not for the faint of heart. If you’re unusually nauseous, I would advise choosing one of the other methods listed here. The run can prove dodgy.
  3. The Bourdain. In honor of the late Anthony Bourdain, a proven road warrior who made a living eating and drinking his way across the world, I give you his hangover cure. A few years back, during an on the run interview with TMZ, Bourdain was asked what his go-to hangover cure was. His response, “Aspirin, cold Coca-Cola, smoke a joint, eat some spicy Sichuan food — works every time.” I gave it a shot while watching an episode of Parts Unknown and it had me feeling better in no time. The man truly was a genius.
  4. The Egg Sandwich. This one is backed by science, to a degree. Getting in a hearty breakfast after a night of hedonistic abandon is a solid way to mediate and cure your hangover symptoms. But the fact that it’s backed by science isn’t what we’re concerned with.  What truly matters here is that you have an excuse to eat all the foods that you aren’t supposed to eat, so take full advantage of the opportunity. To hell with what your girlfriend or your personal trainer says, just tell them you’re following the science and trying to cure your ailments. My personal favorite is a bacon, egg, and extra cheese on a bagel, salt and pepper but no ketchup—but this is dealer’s choice. Load up on pancakes, waffles, omlettes, etc. Anything works.
  5. The Jump Back On The Horse. This is one of, if not the, most daunting methods to pursue. Wake up and start drinking again. I’m not advising that you put back a few drinks—just one should be sufficient. This is another one that is backed by science. Certain chemicals in alcohol counteract the bodily processes which cause the symptoms of the hangover. But while you might feel better, there’s the risk that this could lead to minor or severe alcohol dependence in the long-term. In my opinion, you’re better off not fighting fire with fire here.