Sex can happen on the first date, but it doesn’t have to. Nobody is entitled to sex following a first date (or ever). Don’t get me wrong, it’s totally fine it, but that doesn’t mean you should expect that it will happen. Even if waiting it doesn’t make a difference to you, it might for your partner, whose needs are equally as important as yours. The best partners are the ones who actively want to get you off—and the best way to find partners like that is to be one.
- It’s about building chemistry, not running out the clock. Expecting sex on the first date is like expecting to make out with someone as a form of greeting them when you first meet. It could happen, but that would probably be kind of awkward unless you’ve built up some serious chemistry beforehand. Because sexual chemistry is what leads to sexual activity. It’s not that there’s a magic number of dates you should wait before you can expect sex to happen, it’s that when it feels right, it feels right. You can expect every person will prefer to take a different amount of time to be ready, and they might take more or less time with you than someone else.
- It’s about testing the waters. The purpose of a first date isn’t to get laid. Ever. Even if you and the person you’re meeting with know ahead of time that you intend to do nothing but hook up, it’s usually a good idea to grab a drink first to make sure he or she’s a relatively normal person. Whether you know the woman or are just meeting for the first time, a date is about building towards some sort of relationship by doing activities together, whether that’s boyfriend/girlfriend or FWB. It’s perfectly fine to build sexual tension on a first date, but that doesn’t mean the date has to involve or end with sexual activity.
- It’s okay to be inviting and it’s okay to be denied. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with agreeing to have sex on a first date. There’s nothing wrong with setting things up so that it’s easy and convenient and tempting for sex to happen on a first date. There are millions of things you can do to build sexual chemistry and increase the likelihood of sex happening, but nothing can be done to guarantee that the other person will be willing and able. It’s never the other person’s fault if you decide to invest time and energy in something that might not happen, and the best way to ruin your chances of it ever happening is to get frustrated at them.
- Reciprocation? For what? The structure of a date (especially the first date) isn’t trading an activity that she’ll like for an activity he’ll like; it’s doing activities that both people will enjoy doing together. Guys, if you buy a woman dinner, the only thing you can reasonably expect in return is the equivalent: that she’ll take you out to dinner next time. Or, if you buy a gal a drink and things are going well, it’s not unfair to expect her get the next one. Sex isn’t something that can be reciprocated because it involves both people and nobody’s paying for it… but sure, this can apply to the bedroom too. If you go down on someone, you might expect they would return the favor. But isn’t it much more fun if you’re doing it because you want to see them get off and vice versa? My point is…
- Nothing kills the mood like keeping score. Personally, whether I’m getting drinks on a date or if I’m just kicking it with some friends, I buy the first round because I like to take the lead in having a good time. I don’t expect anything in return—literally all I’m doing is providing a solution to the problem that if we’re going to enjoy these drinks, someone has to pay for them. Sometimes the people I’m with will buy the next round for me, sometimes there is no next round that night. Either way, we have a good time. That’s what first dates are about too. Whether or not you have sex, it is fair to expect to have a good time.
- Dude, what’s the rush? It’s the first date. Ideally, first dates are casual, conversational, and they leave both people wanting to see more of each other. Wanting more of each other will probably lead to getting more of each other eventually, but if it doesn’t happen right away, if someone doesn’t want to have sex after the first, second, or hundredth date–who cares?
- Stop letting validation control you. Gentlemen, I love sex as much as the next guy. And I understand as well as any guy that getting it in on the first date makes you feel validated that she’s attracted to you. But when you really think about it, it’s just sex. You could have been anyone and so could she. You might as well feel like a stud because someone agreed to sit at a table with you and eat delicious food. If we really wanted to feel validated that women are attracted to us, we should be trying to make them watch football games with us because that’s (usually) an activity we enjoy and they’ll put up with it only for a man she’s really attracted to. Sex is something both people can enjoy, which is why it can be a great activity for a first date (or any date)… as long as you build up the right amount of chemistry first.