Dating

So, She Asked For A Pic Of Your Penis – Here Are The Do’s And Don’ts Of D*ck Pics

First of all, kudos to you for waiting until she actually wants a picture of your man parts before sending one. You’re already a winner in my book. Now that she’s asking for it, you need to be sure to send a picture of your penis in a positive light, literally and figuratively.

  1. DON’T use an overly filtered d*ck pic. Don’t send the Kim Kardashian of d*ck pics. If you put too many filters on the photo, she’ll start to wonder what you’re hiding. Do you have a weird rash that you’re trying to cover? Genital warts? A second set of balls? You get the point…
  2. DO consider whether you want your face in the picture. Even if you’re married to this woman, you should still ask yourself why you feel the need to show your face in the same photo as your raging hard-on. If you lose your phone or get hacked, you have no clue where that photo could end up. If you have a political campaign in your future, stop reading this article and never consider sending a d*ck pic again.
  3. DON’T send a picture of your flaccid penis. Let’s be honest– penises aren’t beautiful works of art, but if it’s standing at attention, it’s a little more appealing. A hard penis shows that you’re ready to go and it’ll really turn her on. A flaccid penis, on the other hand, looks small, floppy and a little like a sad, wilted flower. She’ll be confused and super turned off. Keep your flaccid penis in your pants.
  4. DO actually use a photo of your penis. If you’re insecure about the size of your penis, don’t feel pressured to send a pic. Make her wait in anticipation until you’re together. After all, it’s not about the size, but what you do with it. The absolute worst thing you could do, no matter how tempting it is, would be to send her a picture of some other dude’s penis. If things progress between you two and you actually get in bed with her, she’s going to be confused, disappointed and a little weirded out. Where did you get the pic of that random guy’s d*ck anyway?
  5. DON’T use a recycled photo. Did you know that when you send a picture the recipient can tell when and where it was taken? Yeah. That means that if you send a dick pic to your last girlfriend a year ago – she’ll know. Girls want to know that you got hard thinking about her at that moment, not wondering what you were thinking about a year ago when you hadn’t even met.
  6. DO consider fashion. Either get completely naked or pull your boxers down slightly to show off the goods, but don’t do something in between like getting naked except for a pair of white socks. If you wear a t-shirt with nothing on the bottom, you’ll look like a four-year-old boy running around the house to escape nap time.
  7. DON’T discount the perfect timing. If it’s in the middle of the day and you’re turned on thinking about her, be sure to give her some warning so that she doesn’t open up a picture of your penis in front of her coworkers at a board meeting. First, send her a text saying that you’re super turned on thinking about her. If she responds and is feeling it too, you’ll know it’s safe to send.
  8. DO consider what’s in the background of your photo. A messy room with an overflowing trash can and an empty pizza box is not a sexy background. Neither is the toilet in your bathroom with the empty toilet paper roll that you’re too lazy to change. Women love to inspect every inch of a photo, so you can guarantee she will be looking at the cleanliness of your room and zooming in on the sheets on your bed to confirm that they’ve been cleaned this month. You want her to be turned on, not grossed out by your living situation.
  9. DON’T forget to groom. What’s the point of a d*ck pic if she can’t even see past that enormous bush you’re sporting around it? Let her see you in all your glory. If you look like you’re wearing a sweater vest, it might be time to address that too. Man-scaping is your friend.
  10. DO triple check that you’re sending it to the right person. Sending an inappropriate picture to my parents or, worse, my boss is literally my worst nightmare. Carefully type her name into the recipient box, check it twice, attach your picture and then walk away before sending. Come back to your phone two minutes later and make sure the recipient is still correct. Seriously, you can never be too sure. Your mom hasn’t seen your penis since you hit puberty and your boss will snicker every time you’re in the same room.