You’ve been together for a while. You’re still in love, but not all that excited about it. You’ve become the biggest enemy of every relationship: comfortable. With comfort comes lots of cool things like not being judged for walking around in your sweats all day and feeling sure that someone really gets the you that no one else sees. But with comfort also comes boredom, which is the antithesis of sex. Here are a few things (some obvious, some not) that you can do until you’re old and fat to amp up your sex life.
- Pour a glass or two of wine. Don’t get drunk, but do have some alcohol in a classy way. Getting drunk to get laid is something you did when you were an idiot college student and ultimately amounts to accidents and messy rendezvous. Get some special drink that means something to you, pack it in your knapsack, and go find somewhere cozy to share a glass. Don’t drink? Good for you. Everyone loves sparkling cider.
- Bring back the romance. I mean it—stop being lazy! If you want to stay in any sort of relationship that matters, you’re going to have to step up your game. You’ve known each other for a long time and I bet she knows all the stuff that you love because she was paying attention. Once you start paying attention, she’ll jump into bed with you. Women are all about connection, so get connecting.
- Try a little conversation. By “conversation,” I don’t mean “be continually talking.” Women value silence as well as the next person. Often times, close relationships are measured by the comfort that exists within silence. However, this doesn’t mean that you get to get off the hook when it comes to engaging with her. And that’s what it’s really about—engaging. She wants to be involved with your life, catch up on what she missed. When she asks “how are you?” she’s asking for details. She wants to know how you get along with the other guys at work and whether or not you had an awesome lunch. Then she wants you to ask her the same question so that she can fill you in on all the things that have been going on in her head throughout the day.
- Pretend you’re a masseuse. There are all kinds of massage. Just use your hands; it doesn’t matter how, just be creative. Women like this stuff because they carry stress all over their bodies. Relief from stress doesn’t automatically happen when she starts having sex. Helping her to get to a place where she’ll feel like being adventurous with you (and eventually orgasm) starts with being able to relax. Helping her along with relaxation will be more fun for you in the end, so don’t be greedy. In other words, don’t let her check out because she totally will.
- Become an explorer. I don’t necessarily mean doing something that you’ve never tried before or going for things that weird you both out. If you both don’t like it, it’s going to be a very short-lived and one-sided affair. Just look at each other and kiss the things you see. When you first started having sex, you were probably all excited and you just took each other in. Now that you’re used to each other, it feels like you’ve seen everything when really you’ve just gone blind. Re-visit the parts of her you used to love, and maybe some parts you need to learn to love, and she’ll respond in kind.
- Take joy in the little things. Does she love Thai food? Maybe pack her a Thai lunch. Collect seashells for her at the beach. Do the laundry. Take the kids out to lunch (or her niece, her mother, etc.). Loving the things and people that she loves in the little ways that show you’re paying attention will make her feel loved. Seeing you doing sweet un-sexual things turns her on because it reminds her why she likes you in the first place. Be a considerate human being in ways that make sense to her, and she’ll be really into you.
- Take a deep breath. Relax together. See some new things. Change the scenery. Invest in your relationship. Relationships need care and rejuvenation just as much as anything else, so press the reset button and go on vacation at least once a year, if not more.
- Make a plan and stick to it. I know planning for sex sounds weird, but everyone does it in some way. Just think about when you were single and you got all spruced up for a date that you knew was going to lead to a hookup—this is the same thing. Treat your sex life like you’re going on a date. If you wake up and you just feel like it’s a great day for sex, communicate that and make time for it. Plan it out. Give her time to take a shower and do her hair. Spend the day touching her and reminding her how hot you think she is. Don’t just end your day with a bag of chips and binge watching; be intentional. Your sex life will thank you.
- Remember to have fun. Do something fun together. I know this seems obvious, but the more adulting you do, the less fun you have. Put aside some time in your day or your week to have some fun. Go wakeboarding or something. Do stuff you used to have a lot of time to do but you find yourself doing less and less. Then share those things with her. I can guarantee you that she’s completely exhausted, and would be down for some fun. Then you two will be laughing and flirting, and then you’ll just sort of fall into bed together. It will be fantastic.